Who or what is defining your life?

Please share this with your young girls...

A lot of people go through life being defined by what others say or think about them. If you go through life in such a manner you will get tossed about and your self esteem will go up and down depending on what others say or think about you.

Theresa was such a person. From a young age she was always the centre of attention. I mean she had all the right physical attributes that many admired her for.  She was pretty, tall, had a lovely figure and was constantly told she was physically gorgeous but after a while she craved the compliments all the time. If her friends and family weren't telling her how pretty she looked, she would fall into a bout of depression because that's what she depended on for self esteem. It got worse as an adult; she went from relationship to relationship seeking the man who would adore her for her looks. When she couldn't get the attention, she resorted to food as an only way to comfort her. Today she suffers from eating disorders and self esteem issues because she wants others to constantly adore her.

Ngozi’s issues seemed different. She was the brightest in her year. She won several trophies in mathematics and science. She was super smart and her parents and those around her labelled her as the intelligent child. She won awards based on her academic performance. You can image how her confidence dropped when for no apparent reason she stopped winning all the awards. She was no longer the brightest. New students joined the school and surpassed her. Her parents stopped praising her because she was no longer their pride and joy so she thought. With such low esteem, Ngozi stopped making any effort and within a short time she became below average in class and went into depression.

Now let's look at Temi. She represented her State in all forms of sports from the age of 10. She was good at running, tennis and swimming. She won trophies upon trophies. Her country and family were very proud of her. This success carried on right to university until she had an injury. She stopped playing sports and all the praises and applauds stopped. Temi plugged into depression and wanted to end her life because she felt no value unless she was winning trophies.

The above girls appeared to have different issues but on close up they all craved approval based on how others defined them and the applauses they received.

Who and what are you basing your confidence on?  If you put your confidence in people's comments, opinions, praises and criticisms, you will get tossed about and your self esteem will be tossed.

Don't base your confidence on how others define you, or on your looks, weight, academic achievements, sports awards or job title, because as seen, all are subject to change but ultimately base your confidence on the true Word of God that never changes. SHALOM!

Let's talk about Molesting!

Molesting is one of those topics that we don't like to talk about in Nigeria but it’s very prevalent in our community and worldwide. It normally happens between adults to children but some bosses are also guilty of molesting their staff. According to the English Dictionary, molesting is the forcing of undesired sexual behaviour by one person upon another.

When I relocated to Nigeria in 2008, I talked frankly to my children about molesting and the tricks that abusers will do in order to satisfy their perversion. I acted out scenarios to draw home the point. My first son in particular found the whole topic very disgusting and disturbing but the issue needed to be addressed.

We need to equip our children with strong information so that their innocence is not cut short. We have to let our children, know that they have the right to refuse a hug from anyone who they feel uncomfortable with. They should say NO to anyone who wants to give them a bad touch. And they should say NO to anyone who wants to touch their private parts.

I have told my children they should run, scream or shout if anyone tries to touch them inappropriately. I also speak to young children in primary schools and at my workshops about this topic.

A molester will try to win trust of the child. This may involve showering a child with money or gifts and give them excessive attention.  This process is called grooming or emotional seduction.  Watch out for anyone that is giving your child unnecessary attention. 

Once they have gained trust they might ask questions like is ''Is it ok to kiss or hug you?'' Once the molestation starts they will tell the child to keep it a secret and threaten violence if the child tells.

According a recent report 1 in 3 children are molested or abused in Nigeria. So parents’ especially busy ones please keep an eye on your children! Let them know that there is no bad secret and encourage them to tell you everything. We as parents should know our children’s teachers, friends and friend’s parents. It surprises me how many parents allow their children to go for sleepovers when they don’t know the parents very well. Keep the communication open - very open!

Shalom

(Inspired from a conference I attended on Child abuse in Nigeria)

Etiquette Goals for the New year

It really surprises me the amount of adults that don’t say please, thank you, excuse me and sorry. So it’s no wonder that some of our children growing up in Nigeria are not making it a habit either. We can’t expect to enforce manners in schools, if it is not taught at home. As parents we need to be mindful of what we are projecting because our children mirror us.  Please, Thank you, excuse me, sorry, you’re welcome are universal appreciation words, anyway in the world.

Here are 8 Etiquette goals that we can all practice a lot more in the work place, at home or at an event.

1. Say please and thank you with every request. This doesn't mean just with important people but everyone whether its your driver, house keeper subordinate or senior level manager. We should respect everyone.

2. Be on time for every appointment and event. Let's stop making excuses about African time or Nigerian time and turn up on time for appointments or events.

3.Let's keep our items and areas at home and in the office clean and neat.

4. Invite someone to lunch or coffee once a month. The best way you get to know people is through face to face communication. Don't hide behind social media. Meet up with people if you can.

5. Make a habit of turning off mobile phones when in meetings.

6. Follow through with what you say. If you say you're going to send me something then make sure you do. Otherwise don't make a promise.

7. Write and send thank you notes.

8. Aim to get involved in a charitable cause this year. Look for something that you’re really passionate about.

Remember, 'No act of kindness no matter how small is ever wasted!'

Getting It Right With our Girls

You only need to have one discussion with the average 12 year old girl in Nigeria to realise that the pressures they face today are more challenging than what obtained two decades ago. They are bombarded with far more information than we ever were and peer pressure starts much earlier.  It’s up to us mums to guide our daughters in the right way, so that when those challenges arise, they will be able to stand up for themselves.  

We can start by talking to our daughters about cultivating good friendships.  The friendship circles around our daughters can either build or break their confidence. Let’s teach our daughters to stand up for themselves and not to follow the crowd. From my own experience, I know that there are just some girls that you simply should NOT be friends with because anytime you’re around them it brings negativity; don’t be afraid to monitor your daughter’s friendships.

We should teach our daughters good and acceptable behaviour in friendships.  We should ensure that they know the qualities of a good friend - honesty, loyalty, dependability, and reliability – so that they do not settle for less in a friendship. We can also tell them that are consequences for not treating others the way we would like to be treated. They will lose decent friendships if they are mean and others will not want to be around them or hang out with them.

Our young daughters also face increased pressure to conform to an artificial standard of beauty. Yes, we want our daughters to look and feel good, but we don’t want them obsessed with their physical appearance.  As women, we are bombarded with media images of the perfect beauty and if we make it a big deal to our daughters, we are setting them up for insecurity issues as they grow up.  The last thing we want is for them to get into destructive cycles such as bulimia or anorexia because they are trying to look like the girls in the magazines.  Our daughters have to be taught by us that they are treasures and they are uniquely created with their own unique DNA. We should encourage them to see themselves as treasures, over and above external beauty.

Although we don’t want our daughters to be obsessed with their outward looks, we should start early to encourage healthy living.  We are the best examples. If we eat right and pursue active lifestyles, our daughters will follow our lead. And if we instil these good habits in our daughters early enough, it might save them from poor lifestyle choices in the future. We should also give our daughters chores and teach them to cook. It’s amazing how many young girls in Nigeria can’t make the basic food like rice and stew because cooks and house-helps have served them all their lives.

Finally, be your daughter’s biggest fan. The puberty years are a very delicate stage for girls. Their bodies are changing.  Their emotions are changing.  Their hormones are changing. Speak words of love to them and give them affirmations to recite. Be their cheerleaders. Even when you need to correct them, do it positively so that it is received with thankfulness rather than discouragement. If your daughters feel they have your blessing and approval, their confidence will soar! 

About Author: Rita Okoye is the CEO of Majestically Rare Limited. Her company provides services in Events, Publicity & Workshops.  She runs Life Preparatory Workshops for young girls and encourages the girls to see themselves as treasures. This article was inspired by discussions she had with girls aged 10-12 while running her 2012 Summer Camp at VGC Club. For enquiries email  info@majesticallyrare.com