TIPS TO AVOID PEER PRESSURE

EFFECTS OF HIGH SELF ESTEEM ON A GIRL

It is important that girls learn to develop high self esteem which is not necessarily about being an extrovert but more to do with inner belief and how she values herself. Below are a few characteristics that you can spot in a girl with high self esteem.

NOT SHY

She is definitely not shy or timid. She may not be the life and soul of the party either but she likes to meet new people and will go out of her way to introduce herself and say her name. Because she doesn’t worry about how others judge her, if she tries to make a friend but someone is not interested she will see it as their loss and quickly move on.

EXPRESSES HERSELF

A girl with high self esteem is comfortable expressing herself. She is a great communicator. You will know exactly where you stand with her as a friend. She is not cagey or afraid to express how she feels.  She doesn’t build a wall around herself. She is not afraid of her emotions because she knows who is. She is not afraid to be vulnerable, when she wants to, because she sees that as strength.

ADVENTUROUS

She always seeks new experiences. She lives an enriched life. She is adventurous and is not afraid to try out new things. She doesn’t care what others think about her adventures and doesn’t wait to get approval. She goes for what she wants.

FUN GIRL

A girl with high esteem is fun and nice to be around. She respects others and respects herself. You will rarely hear her gossiping about others because her life is filled with activities and she has a lot of interests.

A LEADER

She is probably a leader either a class prefect or head girl. If she belongs to a club she is probably a committee member. She always wants to be involved in activities where she can lead.  She is not bossy though and doesn’t make others feel bad. Whether in school or at Sunday school, she always volunteers herself to lead. She is a magnet to new opportunities.

LESS DOWN DAYS

A girl with high self esteem has less down days because she is an optimist. She chooses to look on the bright side of life.  She will probably have less mental and health issues as an adult because she has learnt to voice things out when she needs to.

A girl with high self esteem has an ‘I can do’ attitude and above all values herself.

Is that girl you?

TIPS ON CONFIDENCE

These are tips I share with girls at my workshops and summer camps. People feel free to

share them with your daughters, god daughters, nieces, cousins or even yourself.  Remember practice makes perfect

•        Look good: This goes without saying but it doesn’t mean you should spend all day looking at yourself in the mirror but it does mean that you should make an effort to look after yourself. Groom yourself, brush your teeth properly, smell fresh and tidy your hair. These are the basics.

•        Smile it’s contagious: Smiling attracts more people to you and makes you more approachable. I am convinced that people that smile get more favours than people who don’t. cynical 

•        Positive self talk: Avoid negative talk, don’t say I cant rather say I can, I will, I am – say ‘I AM SOMEBODY’

•        Maintain good friendships: Everyone feels better when they surround themselves with people who make them feel good. Don’t punish yourself and be around anyone who doesn’t value you or is mean to you

•        Know your strengths and weaknesses but focus on your strengths. Develop your strengths. If you are good at singing why not use that gift and join the choir. If you are good at styling hair why not try it out on your friends.

•        Do things you enjoy often like dancing, singing, cooking. Nowadays children including my own spend too much time on gadgets during the holidays. Draw or make cakes or waffles. Do something different rather spend all day on an iphone or PS3.

•        Be grateful: Whenever you are feeling down, list all the things you are grateful for. It will help you feel more appreciative of your life. There are lots of young people through no fault of their own, that don’t have some of the things you have.

•        Give back: Think of ways to bless others. Summer holidays is a good time to spring clean your room and find all the things including nice clothes and gadgets and give them out to others, less fortunate.

•        Speak up and be noticed: Your opinions matter. Say what’s on your mind and say it fast but always be respectful

•        Challenge yourself: What can you do this summer that would be a victory for you at the end of the holidays? Write short stories. Make a video. Do something.

•        Celebrate victories: There is nothing wrong with giving yourself a pat on the back when you have worked hard. I just concluded a wedding and I worked really hard. The event was a success and the client was satisfied. I am celebrating my victory by taking a break and treating myself to a body massage.

•        Act Confident: How does a confident person act?  A confident person acts like they matter. They make no apologies for existing. They walk tall with their head up and they smile. If you are still feeling hesitant fake it till you make it – Just act it. It will come naturally if you keep practising the above tips

•        Know where your true confidence comes – God. And know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are unique. There is no duplicate of you. Just you, so accept and enjoy yourself. You really matter.

•        Dance like no one is watching.

VALUABLE AFFIRMATIONS FOR GIRLS

SHINE BRIGHT LIKE A DIAMOND

Ask any woman that appreciates the finer things in life and she will tell you that diamonds are a girl’s best friend. They are valuable, rather expensive and you just do not see them everywhere. Diamonds and a girl who values herself have a lot in common and I will tell you why below.

A girl is rare like a diamond

If you are looking for diamonds, you won’t see them on the shop floor. They will be kept behind the counter, in a precious box. They won’t be displayed on a clearance shelf and they definitely will not be on sale. Diamonds are rare. The same can be said for a girl who values herself. She is just not available for anyone to mess her about. She knows she is rare and should be treated with highest respect.

A Girl Shines Brightly

A diamond shines very brightly. It makes no apologies for existing. This is also true for a girl who knows she is valuable. She makes no apologies for who she is. She believes in herself and she shines so brightly.

A Girl Like a Diamond Knows Her Worth

Yes a diamond knows its worth. A girl who knows she is valuable, knows her worth too. A girl is worth far more, than diamonds, rubies or gold. A girl should know that her worth is immeasurable because she is a child of the Most High. She should never compromise her worth.

A Girl Like A Diamond, Lights Up A Room

When you spot a diamond you can see it lights and sparkles. That is how a girl should feel when she enters a room. She should smile, lift her head high, own her own space and then she will definitely command the respect of others.

A Girl Like A Diamond, Never Drops In Value

The value of diamonds rarely drops. A girls value should never drop. She should know and appreciate how valuable she is. She should not cheapen herself by doing things that she knows is wrong. She should know and believe that no matter the seasons and changes in her life she will always remain valuable.

So I challenge any girl that is reading this blog to "Shine like a Diamond" because you are truly, truly valuable.

7 DEADLY SINS GIRLS CAN OVERCOME

MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE WALL

We are bombarded with images of perfection. Young girls are being pressurized to look perfect and to be perfect. Some young girls are resorting to dieting, as early as 8 year's old. The extreme end of body obsession is anorexia or bulimia which can both lead to death. May that never be the portion for our girls. In a world that is obsessed with beauty, how can parents or guardians help girls to take their focus off from obsession with outward appearance? 

Here are some tips

Don’t over praise on looks

There are so many things that make up for a human being aside from how they look. A girl may have so many talents. She may be good at maths, sports, art and history but if all we do is keep focusing on how good looking our daughters are, then we are only setting them up for insecurities and jealousy in the future. A girl that is over praised on her looks as a child, usually turns out to be an adult that is very shallow and full of herself. She may also turn out with a lack of empathy towards others.

Don’t compare girls

We have to be careful not to compare girls. Don’t compare beauty against beauty. It really creates insecurity and fierce unhealthy competition. I cringe when I hear mothers say to their daughters “ Agnes is finer than Stella”. “Kehinde has longer legs than Taiyo”. In my opinion there is absolutely no benefit in doing that to them. Sometimes, we cant control what others say about our girls but we can control what we say.

Don’t focus on your own insecurities

Mothers are usually guilty of this and if this is you please stop it today.  “Oh I’m fat or I need to lose weight”.  “I feel ugly today”.  Sometimes we say this in front of our daughters. Children especially girls often imitate their mothers including our flaws, so as much as possible we need to think before we make big announcements about our insecurities. Yes we all have something that we may not be happy about but we don’t need to sing about it every day. We should take responsibilities and change the things we can change.

Don’t make fun of your daughter

Stick and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me is so wrong.  We live in world where girls need to be tough, yes , but that doesn’t mean we should call them names to make them tougher. A word of caution about the effects of name calling, it may not be apparent in a girl’s early years, but it will definitely affect her self esteem as an adult.

Keep negative relatives at bay

We cant control relatives that are tactless. Some would argue that it is just them, being honest and speaking their mind.  Some Aunty may say “Chai this your daughter is so thin”.  “Ehen! That nose came from your husband’s family not our family”. It is up to parents and guardians to protect girls from the onslaughts of such comments. Just tell the relative, diplomatically, that you do not appreciate such remarks about your daughter and to please stop.

So what do we tell our girls about the Mirror on the wall? We should say “Daughter, you don’t have to be the fairest of them all but you are equally as great as anyone other person”.

Why is a Girl Valuable?

An Assertive Girl knows...

An assertive girl knows that the world is an ok place and that she is just as important as anyone else in it. She also knows she has a right to success and happiness. How does she know this?

Her Rights

She values herself and knows her rights. She recognises her rights and protects them. She understands her rights and knows that they are just as important as everyone else’s. She knows she has a right to say NO without an explanation.

See examples of her rights

•        Ask for what she wants

•        Ask for help

•        Have ideas

•        Make mistakes

•        Try and try again

•        Change her mind

•        Say no sometimes

•        Complain when it’s not fair

•        Be proud when she does well

Respect

As assertive girl believes that she deserves to be treated with respect and dignity at all times and will not put up with bad behaviour from anyone. She knows that she should not apologize for everything.

Her Needs

She has identified her needs and wants. She doesn’t wait for others to recognize them because she may wait forever.  She knows her own needs must be satisfied. But she knows that in order to get her needs met, it doesn’t mean sacrificing the needs of others.

Responsibility

She knows that everyone is responsible for their own behaviour. However, she doesn’t accept responsibility for how people react to her assertive statement. She can only control herself. She realises that as long as she is not violating someone else’s needs she has every right to say what she wants.

Express Herself

An assertive girl knows that she can express her thoughts and feelings in a healthy and positive manner. She can allow herself to be angry but always respectful. She has a right to say what’s on her mind but she does it in a way that protects the other person’s feelings.

Control Emotions

An assertive girl is able to control her emotions. She can stand up for herself  to people who challenge her rights. She accepts criticism and also accepts compliments positively and graciously. An assertive girl allows herself to make mistakes and asks for help.

Say NO

As assertive girl knows when to say NO, when she needs to, without explanation.

Confident, Confident Girl, That's me

How to build a girl’s self esteem

Tell her often that you love her

Girls need a lot of validation from their parents or guardians to feel good about themselves. A girl feels special when she is told that she is loved. Don’t say mummy loves you. Tell her directly say, “I love you”.  Also tell your daughter why you love her. Do not focus on external qualities like beauty because beauty can fade, rather focus on her character. For example say, “I love you Hajara, because you are kind and always thoughtful towards others”.

Unconditional love

Also emphasize on the unconditional nature of your love. Tell her that you will always love her no matter what. So even if she does something that upsets you, it’s not her person that you are upset with, it is the action. If she does something wrong, never tell her that you do not love her.

Share her impact in the home

Everyone in your household is special whether it’s your son or daughter. Everyone wants to feel that they have contributed to something and made a positive impact in the home. If your daughter teaches you some new insights, thank her and let her know that it is appreciated. Shade didn’t have a clue how to navigate Instagram and her teenage daughter Temi came to the rescue and taught her mum everything about it. Shade now uses Instagram for business, thanks to her daughter.

Meet her on her level.

Don’t be the type of parent that keeps away from your daughter. She needs you their both physically and intellectually.  Be careful not to bombard her with too much adult jargon in the early stages of her development.  If in doubt, when you request something, ask her to repeat back what you requested to make sure she understands. Come down to earth and engage with her at her own level.

Encourage self care and nurturing

Teach her from early the importance of exercise and well being. Get her to value her sleep time, knowing that a good night’s sleep will improve performance the next day. Help her to know what foods are good for her and which are not. The earlier a girl learns to love her body and take care of it, the better self esteem she will have.

Quality time

The modern day parent is very busy but that does not mean you should not make out quality time with your daughters. Find parent and daughter activities that you can do together. For a mother, it’s never too early to take your daughter for a mini spa. For a father why not have a Father and daughter day and take her to watch a movie or to a restaurant. A girl really loves that individual attention.

Choose your words carefully

One of the reasons so many girls have low self esteem is because of some of the unkind words from their parents, who should know better.

Eliminate these Words

·        Can’t you do anything right?

·        You are lazy

·        Can’t you be like your sister?

·        You will never make it

·        You will be the death of me.

·        You are stupid

Increase these Words

·        I love you

·        You’re a winner

·        I am proud to be your mother

·        I trust you

·        What do you think?

·        You are the best

Be careful what you say to young girls knowing that Life and Death are in the power of the mouth.

Finishing Strong

Recently, I had the opportunity to speak to Year 6 school in Lagos. My topic was Finishing strong. I wanted to point out difference between personality and character as they move on to Secondary school years. I wanted these school leavers to really be equipped with this knowledge because they are entering impressionable years where peer pressure is high. I also wanted them to note that a good name is more precious than gold, silver, ipods, iphones or tablets.

Personality Vs Character

I told them that personality is the image you project and how others see you. So you may either be social, funny, shy, outgoing, deep, persuasive, etc. These are normally inherent and not affected by your environment. Character on the other hand is learnt behaviour. We are normally quick to judge people based on their personality, rather than character, which takes longer to be revealed. Some say personality opens the doors but a good character will keep you there. Your character is what counts in the end and is related to your moral standing.

What is Character?

I told them that character is who we are when no one else is looking. We talked in-depth about honesty, diligence, integrity, fairness, responsibility, courage, justice, respect, being caring and trustworthy. Some people have a great personality but a bad character, while others may have a not so charming personality, but a great character but in the end your character speaks more volumes.

Good Character

Good character goes hand in hand with strong self esteem and doing what is right even when it is difficult. I told them there might be moments when they don't want to do the right thing, especially if no one is watching but they should stand firm on their principles and do the right thing anyway.

I concluded by saying that life is a journey and that even as adults we are far from perfect, we make mistakes, sometimes costly ones, but that each and every one of us has a responsibility to develop the content of our character because that will give us a more fulfilling and peaceful life in the long run.

Lets talk about Outer Confidence

One of my passions is equipping young girls with tools that will help them to conduct and value themselves as treasures and present themselves effectively anywhere in the world. The following tips will help girls develop strong confidence.

When a young girl displays outer confidence it shows the world, that she is self assured and has a strong sense of who she is.  Last week I wrote about inner confidence namely self love, self knowledge, clears goals and positive thinking. When a girl has strong inner confidence it is manifested outwardly. Outer confidence can be acquired and taught outside the home, in particularly at school and through after school activities. Below are the following signs that a young girl has outer confidence skills.

Communication

A confident girl will listen accurately, calmly and be empathetic to other people. She will be able to make small talk with all people and of all backgrounds. A confident girl will be able to speak in public without feeling inadequate. Kelechi was such a girl. She was a good communicator and was the type of person that everyone liked. Not only was she kind but she also listened to her friends and helped them solve their issues. She stood up to bullies on behalf of others and she wasn’t afraid to speak her mind. How can we help young girls communicate better? Why not strike a conversation with them. Ask them how their day went or ask them to describe what they did in school?  Help them to be aware of other people’s body language and tone of voice when communicating. Teach them to wait their turn when others are speaking and not to interrupt.

Assertiveness

An assertive girl knows that the world is an ok place. She knows that she is just as important as anyone else in it and has a right to success and happiness. A girl that displays assertiveness skills is self assured. She is neither aggressive nor passive. She knows her rights and speaks up when she needs to. An assertive girl gives and receives compliments easily. She doesn’t break down when given criticism because she knows that feedback does not define her. We can teach our girls to know their rights and speak up. Also as assertive girl should learn how to ask effectively for what she wants. A girl should be able to give and take compliments assertively and cope with criticism. She should not be crushed by the slightest remark.

Self Presentation

Unfortunately the world does judge on appearance. We shouldn’t focus too much attention on self presentation to please and impress others but girls should be taught to look after themselves. When you look good, you feel good.  As a girl grows older give her choices of what clothes she wants to wear.  This will help her express her own individuality and style. When a girl has good self presentation, she will know the dress styles and colours that suit her. She gains credibility by making a good first impression because she knows how to look the part. She will be comfortable in her own skin.

Emotional Control

When a girl has good emotional control she trusts herself. She takes on more risks because she is not afraid of failure. She can openly express her emotions whether she is happy or sad and knows how to cope effectively. She is able to let her hair down without being so bothered about how she is perceived. A girl with good emotional control will seek out friendships that give her deep joy love and happiness. We need to help young girls manage their emotions.  We can start by teaching a girl that she does have a right to feel any emotion but to take responsibility for them.

None of these skills happen overnight but with guidance from adults, we will raise strong confident girls. 

Developing Inner Confidence

According the Oxford dictionary, confidence means a feeling or a belief that you can do something well or succeed at something.  Many girls today lack confidence because they often feel that they are not good enough.  There are also external challenges, peer pressure and some say that girls are growing up too fast, which leads them to make poor choices. In addition, the world has become more competitive and those who have strong confidence skills will far outshine and do better than those who don’t. The tips shared on this page will help improve a girl’s confidence and show her ways to master the skill.

There is often an assumption that an outwardly, spoken, outgoing girl is more confident than a girl who is reserved and who doesn’t say much. That is not always the case because what is being displayed is personality traits rather than confidence. We should not make assumptions on either. What is important is for girls to develop inner confidence.

What ways do we display Inner confidence

Self love. You can often tell when a girl has self love. It is not hidden. She will take care of herself. She will nurture herself. She will not put herself down because she knows that she is fearfully and wonderfully made. She also takes steps to look after herself and her body by eating well and exercising. Kemi is very healthy. She learnt from a young age to eat healthily. She loves vegetables and always makes healthy choices when it comes to food. She is super fit and often represents her school at sports.

Self knowledge: A girl who has strong self knowledge is normally reflective. She can reflect on her feelings, thoughts and behaviours and she is interested in knowing how she is perceived. A girl with self knowledge is aware of her strengths and her weakness but focuses more on her strengths. She also has a strong sense of her values and is less likely to do anything that she doesn’t want to do. Amanda is self aware. She just doesn’t follow the crowd. She makes very good choices, even with her choice of friends because she knows what is good for her.

Clear Goals: A confident girl has a strong sense of purpose. From a young age she has been raised to set goals and to go for what she wants. A girl should get into the habit of setting goals which will lead to more energy and more motivation rather than just coasting. Edna is 12 and loves tennis. She practices nearly every day and has even written in her journal that she will be a great tennis player. Her parents saw her passion from young and encouraged her. They also assist her in writing down other important goals for her life.

Positive Thinking: Some girls tend to have a habit of putting themselves down. They don’t step out as boldly as boys because they are afraid of what others think. A confident girl looks on the bright side of life. She expects good things to happen to her. She always believes in the best possible outcome.  She doesn’t worry about negative outcomes because her mind is focused on doing her best. Ada is a confident girl. She is great company because she is always happy. She thinks the best in others and you hardly hear her complaining. She is an optimist and believes that something great will always happen to her.

Author Rita Okoye – Majestically Rare